We men love to dress our fictional characters in long flowy garments, a curious fascination considering the near absence of flow in the clothes available to us in stores. Star Wars created a world where robes fluttered in the Tatooine desert breeze, but these grand ensembles seldom find their way onto the bodies of live American males.
This contrast between fictional and real-world Flow is usually not too big of a problem, unless you’re trying to assemble a Jedi costume with fine fabrics and quality construction when The Force Awakens premieres this Friday. You can comb through the handful of menswear designers who make actual robes, you can plunge into the women’s section, or you can make something yourself.
All three options will gnaw at your busy schedule and possibly your dignity, while going DIY might leave you with a cheap felt monstrosity when your piles of cashmere have left you thoroughly spoiled. But fear not. Just as I saved your political career last October, I can save your Jedi costume from tarnishing your reputation as a man of taste. There is only one December 18th 2015, so let’s do it right.
Stephan Schneider Score Coat: Size up enough on this already-oversized piece, and you will have achieved the first step toward total robe mastery. Now spin around a bit. Feel that weird sensation of weight behind you? A Jedi feels that every day.
Stephan Schneider G2 cardigan: This will work wonderfully to approximate the tan-colored middle layer that Tatooine residents wear under their robes. Buy the largest size available and cross the left side over the right so the buttons are hidden. Then keep it closed with a rugged Farnese belt.
Scott & Charters Brown Turtleneck: Uncle Owen and Obi-Wan Kenobi were both fond of protecting their necks with brown wool. Let’s ignore the fact that neither of these characters made it to the end of A New Hope and say this knit is a winning addition to your getup.
Rota Heavy Cotton Twill Trousers in Khaki Brown: Do Jedi throw shade at each other’s outfits? I feel like the knights whose robes are so short that they have to wear trousers end up having to buy all the other Jedi’s drinks. But anyway, since the Score Coat isn’t quite long enough to keep you modest, you should throw these on as well.
Buttero Ontano boots: Jedi don’t wear laceups, because enemies with enough command of the Force can summon the laces to unlace themselves, float away from the shoes they once fastened, and creep noose-like toward their wearer’s neck. Ok, I just made that up. But as a precaution, go for the side zips. (Editor’s note: If you’re an X-Man fighting Magneto, opposite rules apply).
There, you’re all set. Oh wait, now you’re telling me you don’t have tickets? It’s okay. You look like a Jedi. Walk up to the ticket taker and wave your hand in front of their face. They’ll let you in for sure.